Susan Weinstein won last week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ with this beauty about how Intel stock soared more than 20% two weeks ago, eight months after the U.S. government took a 10 percent stake to prop up the firm:

Congratulations, Susan!

“I’m not sure why this particular issue has me so incensed since I’m not much of a rule follower but, damn, stealing is stealing,” Susan wrote in an email, on learning of her victory. “Thanks for the nod.”

Here’s your celebratory gif, Susan!

And here’s how Susan’s news haiku fared against the competition:

🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ Intel inside them, US will subsidize them, The Lord of the Chips. ~ Megan Stewart (106)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Money has no rules? I guess money needs no rules? Hmm… buh-ding buh-DING!~Jon Daigle (15)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Fake boosting of stocks, Used to be a crime. But now- The rich change the rules. ~Susan Weinstein (186)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 🎵Pow! Doo doo doo doo🎵 Another win for AI. Sell now while it’s high! ~ Margaret Lea (19)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ With “Intel Inside” The government, it’s all good. Trump runs his “Shark Tank”~Tom Slawik (57)
383 Votes via @beehiiv polls

This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway has a website from the 1990s and fans say don’t mess with it. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

Now: News!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

• Apple's 'most popular iPhone ever' lifts markets

• Spirit Airlines likely to shut down after all

• Fans love Berkshire Hathaway’s ‘90s website

• Boomers are ‘bout to sell their small businesses

• Scotch industry celebrates tariff reversal

• Poll of the day: Dot com, or dot bomb?

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

$SPX ( ▲ 0.29% ) $DJI ( ▼ 0.31% ) $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$AAPL ( ▲ 3.24% )  $SAVEQ ( ▲ 0.43% )  $BRK.A ( ▼ 0.23% )  $BAC ( ▼ 0.41% )  $COF ( ▲ 0.32% )  $JPM ( ▼ 0.24% )  $PNC ( ▼ 1.03% )  $TFC ( ▼ 1.11% )  $USB ( ▼ 0.64% )  $WFC ( ▼ 1.73% )  

Apple's 'most popular iPhone ever' lifts markets

The stock market will apparently be just fine as long as we all keep buying new iPhones. On this basis, who needs a completely stable global economy? The S&P 500 and Nasdaq hit glorious record highs on Friday thanks mainly to record sales of Apple’s $AAPL ( ▲ 3.24% ) newly minted iPhone 17.

It’s a totem for postmodern times!

Apple’s iPhone sales skyrocketed by more than 20% to a casual $57 billion this past quarter, completely obliterating Wall Street expectations. CEO Tim Cook credited the "extraordinary demand" for the new gadget, while CFO Kevan Parekh proudly declared, "The iPhone 17 family is now the most popular line-up in our history . . . we believe we gained market share during the quarter." Clearly, nothing cures a market's macroeconomic anxiety quite like an upgraded pocket supercomputer.

Even as other executives fret — like Colgate-Palmolive $CL ( ▲ 2.23% ) CEO Noel Wallace, who recently warned that he expects "volatile macroeconomic conditions and slower category growth to continue in 2026" — Apple is breezing through its corporate transitions. Incoming hardware-chief-turned-CEO John Ternus teased analysts about the company's future, confidently stating, "We have an incredible roadmap ahead," before slyly adding, "you’re not going to get me to talk about the details."

My guess for that revolutionary roadmap is as follows: Release the iPhone 18. Release the iPhone 19. Release the iPhone 20. Repeat.

Quote of the Day

Spirit Airlines likely to shut down after all

It looks like the era of ultra-cheap air fares and brilliantly yellow planes is coming to an abrupt end. Spirit Airlines is officially preparing to cease operations, marking a turbulent finish for the infamous budget carrier, the Wall Street Journal reports.

For a brief moment, it seemed like the ailing airline might just pull off a last-minute miracle. Spirit had been desperately hoping to finalize a massive $500 million government lifeline to save itself before its cash reserves completely evaporated. Unfortunately, that rescue deal has officially fallen apart.

The collapse came down to a classic financial stalemate. The discount carrier simply couldn't secure sufficient backing between the government and certain balking bondholders to lock in the funding needed to stay in business. Ultimately, the gap could not be bridged, as people familiar with the matter said.

President Donald Trump on Friday said he’s still weighing a taxpayer-funded rescue, without offering details.

“We’re looking at it. If we could do it, we’ll do it. But only if it’s a good deal,” Trump said.

Fans love Berkshire Hathaway’s ‘90s website

Some things never change at Berkshire Hathaway $BRK.A ( ▼ 0.23% ) , and fans hope its official website is one of them. The company's homepage (shown above) looks like its design has barely been updated since the days of Netscape and AOL. It remains a remarkably basic page with just 16 bullet points connecting a trillion-dollar company's modern-day shareholders to its past.

As new CEO Greg Abel takes the reins from Warren Buffett, loyal investors are fiercely protective of this retro internet presence. Shareholder Audrey Lee made her ultimatum clear: “If Greg Abel says, ‘we need to update the Berkshire Hathaway website,’ I will sell my shares,” she told the Wall Street Journal. Lee embraced its simplicity, noting, “There’s something very charming about it, in the same way that vinyl records might be as a nostalgia factor."

The antiquated, ultra-cheap aesthetic perfectly matches the decentralized holding company's frugal mythos. As web designer Shaw Jia told the Journal, “It’s like if a billionaire wears flip-flops for street wear, they’re eccentric." Ultimately, the site works because it reflects Buffett's original vision. As the legendary investor explained, “We have an audience that is interested in facts... Therein lies the explanation of why we don’t win prizes for webpage design.”

Song of the Day: Madonna, Sabrina Carpenter, ‘Bring Your Love’

Yes, this is the second track from Madonna’s new album that I’ve recommended in the last seven days, but only because it’s a very good new album. Enjoy!

Boomers are ‘bout to sell their small businesses

The American small business landscape is facing a massive transformation known as the "Silver Tsunami." Adam Klappholz, Head of Product for Zelle, joined us to talk about how three million businesses will soon be up for sale as baby boomers retire. Klappholz emphasizes that this isn't just a financial shift, but a "generational opportunity" to preserve community legacies.

According to Klappholz, the transition should be "collaborative" rather than a simple auction. He notes that boomers "want to get a good value," but they also care deeply about "preserving their legacy." For the next generation of owners, primarily Gen Z and Millennials, the challenge lies in modernization. Klappholz explains that younger buyers "want running those businesses to be an extension of their lifestyle," utilizing digital tools to save time and "further delight their clients."

Fintech plays a crucial role in this bridge. Klappholz highlights that Zelle already supports eight million small businesses, providing "time to money" that matters for cash flow. By adopting intuitive, bank-integrated technologies, retiring owners can "assuage the concerns of the buyers" and ensure their life's work continues to thrive under new leadership, he said.

Zelle is owned and operated by Early Warning Services, LLC (EWS), a private financial technology company that is, in turn, co-owned by seven of the largest U.S. banks including Bank of America $BAC ( ▼ 0.41% ) , Capital One $COF ( ▲ 0.32% ) , JPMorgan Chase $JPM ( ▼ 0.24% ) , PNC Bank $PNC ( ▼ 1.03% ) , Truist $TFC ( ▼ 1.11% ) , U.S. Bank $USB ( ▼ 0.64% ) , and Wells Fargo $WFC ( ▼ 1.73% ) . So, you know…the banks all want you to move your money around. Who knew?!

Scotch industry celebrates tariff reversal

After a grueling year of transatlantic wrangling, the Scottish whisky industry can finally raise a glass to some excellent news: A punishing 10% tariff on American imports has been scrapped. The surprising catalyst for this diplomatic breakthrough? A timely visit from King Charles III, who successfully convinced President Trump to ditch the levy.

The relief is palpable for an industry that had been hemorrhaging millions of pounds a week. Following the royal intervention, U.S. trade representative Jamieson Greer released a statement confirming that UK whiskey will once again enjoy “preferential duty access” to the United States.

The restrictive tariffs had caused Scotch exports to the U.S. to plummet by 15% last year, disproportionately hammering smaller distilleries that rely heavily on the American market. Celebrating the long-awaited reversal, Mark Kent, chief executive of the Scotch Whisky Association, told the New York Times: “This deal is a significant boost for the Scotch whisky industry in our most valuable export market.” He added that "distillers can breathe a little easier during a period of significant pressure on the sector.”

While the broader U.S.-UK trade relationship still faces complicated hurdles like digital taxes and steel tariffs, this exemption is a massive victory for producers. Cheers.

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