Sam S. from New York won this week’s world-famous-news-haiku™ competition with this beauty about Walmart offering VIP tours to World Cup tourists:

Congratulations, Sam, who writes…

“Thank you! To my adoring public, hold the line — the Waltons certainly don't need any more of our money.”

Here’s your celebratory gif!

And here’s how Sam’s haiku compared to the competition:

🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ 1. Why see monuments, When Walmart has all you need. Schedule a tour now ~Janine (52)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ 2. Come for the World Cup, Stay for Walmart VIP. ‘Merica, F Yeah! ~Jon Daigle (50)
🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 3. We have no money, We will vacation this year, In far off Walmart ~Steve (28)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 4. Walmart Superstore, Not your average Bodega. Must See VIP Tour ~Thomas C. Clair (15)
🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ 5. American Dream, Billionaire Company Gains, Swindling Futbol Fans ~Kaitlyn Pino (33)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 6. Does size matter? Yes! Tourists from land of clown cars, Eat up Walmart tours ~Margaret Lea (16)
🟨🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️ 7. The world's biggest stage, Enjoy America's best. (It's Walmart and ranch) ~Tim Olsen (60)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 8. Tourists tour Walmart, Savings lost in translation. Business always wins ~Bob Andersen (18)
🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 9. Fruity Pebbles, dog-bag size, We supersized the whole nation. You're next, Europe ~Kristin Lanham (26)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 10. Walmart, so fancy? Getting dressed up for tourists? Lipstick on a pig ~Sam S, NY (70)
368 votes via @beehiiv polls

Nice work, Cheddariños! And best of luck next time…

The theme of next week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ is about how boomers were supposed to downsize, but they’re buying bigger homes, instead! Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers. (Don’t worry if you get a bounceback email. The mailbox is working, it’s just been inundated with haikus lately, thank goodness!)

And now, news!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

Table of Contents

• Apple Sends OpenAI Staff Dozens of Legal Letters

• Taco Bell Lettuce Maybe Gave You The Squirts

• Elon Musk’s AI Data Centers Cause Memphis Stink

• Boomers Will Downsize…Never

• Pay $100,000/mo for Presidential Social Posts?

• Poll of the Day: What a Trip…

What’s the Stock Market Up To, Eh?

$SPX ( ▲ 0.15% )  $DJI ( ▼ 0.29% )  $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies Mentioned in Today’s Newsletter

$AAPL ( ▼ 2.63% )  $OPEAZZX ( ▲ 0.49% )  $GOOGL ( ▲ 2.93% )  $DJT ( ▼ 1.86% )  $KALSZZX ( ▼ 0.01% )  

Apple Sends OpenAI Staff Dozens of Legal Letters

In a spectacular breakdown of Silicon Valley’s favorite frenemyship, Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 2.63% ) has personally targeted about 40 former employees now working at OpenAI $OPEAZZX ( ▲ 0.49% ) with nasty legal letters suggesting they may have broken trade secrets law. Why just sue a company when you can personally ruin 40 people's mornings by demanding they preserve every text they’ve ever sent, since jumping ship?

Apple’s lawyers claim the evidence they have of OpenAI stealing hardware designs is just the “tip of the iceberg.” Naturally, OpenAI, which is currently working with Apple’s legendary ex-designer Jony “It’s Only Got One N” Ive, reacted with the corporate equivalent of wide-eyed innocence. The AI lab declared it is “not aware of 'any evidence that the complaint has merit'” and, in fact, has “no interest” in other companies’ trade secrets. Of course not. Why copy Apple when you can buy Jony Ive's design studio for a cool $6.4 billion, instead?

The timing is perfect. After happily holding hands to integrate OpenAI's tech into Siri, Apple abruptly swiped left, partnering with Google $GOOGL ( ▲ 2.93% ) instead. Now, OpenAI is busy trying to build a screenless, palm-sized home gadget that listens to your daily life. Supposedly, they are struggling to balance the assistant's helpfulness with its "potential obtrusiveness." Good news: If the gadget fails to irritate you, Apple's legal team is standing by to be highly obtrusive on its behalf.

With 10 percent of the 400 former Apple employees at OpenAI receiving these love letters, Cupertino is making sure their exes know they are being watched.

Quote of the Day

Taco Bell Lettuce Maybe Gave You The Squirts

If you recently consumed a Crunchwrap Supreme and experienced what federal health authorities politely describe as “explosive diarrhea,” congratulations! You aren't just suffering from your usual late-night dietary choices; you are part of an exclusive, multi-state club of over 1,600 people infected with a nasty parasite.

The FDA and CDC have officially linked a massive outbreak of cyclosporiasis to the shredded iceberg lettuce served at Taco Bell. Already renowned for its high-stakes, daredevil dining, Taco Bell appears to have decided to take things to the next level with its supplier, Taylor Farms, which imported the contaminated leaves from Mexico. Naturally, Taco Bell’s corporate communications team tried to spin the digestive disaster into a gold-star PR moment. In a statement that deserves a medal for audacity, the fast-food giant declared, “We are proud to have consistently acted quickly and proactively to protect our guests.”

It takes a special kind of corporate delusion to brand this as "proactive guest protection" when health agencies are still investigating thousands of sick customers across five states. If you live in Indiana, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, or West Virginia, the CDC has officially instructed you not to eat the shredded lettuce. Duh.

This isn’t the chain’s first food-safety rodeo. Back in 2006, they had another massive sales plunge after lettuce was linked to dozens of E. coli cases. Still, I do like to eat a nice Taco Bell occasionally. Don’t you? I think they’re yummy.

Elon Musk’s AI Data Centers Cause Memphis Stink

Leave it to Elon Musk to build the vanguard of AI, the modestly named Colossus and Colossus II data centers, and power them with the roaring, smog-belching technology of a bygone era.

Yes. Greater Memphis residents are currently enjoying a front-row seat to the future of technology, which apparently looks like massive, unpermitted natural gas-burning turbines emitting tons of nitrogen oxides. Who knew the path to artificial superintelligence was paved with fossil fuels?

The local response has been less than optimal. One neighbor, Jason Haley, described the relentless hum of the SpaceX $SPCX ( ▼ 0.75% ) turbines as “like a form of torture,” talking to CNBC. When he complained, Southaven Mayor Darren Musselwhite reportedly offered the ultimate customer service solution in an email: “You may want to consider selling your home.”

The mayor naturally denies ever telling a citizen to move, but it remains an incredibly practical piece of advice for anyone who doesn't enjoy a jet-engine-adjacent backyard. Even Musk is not exactly shocked that people don’t appreciate the deafening hum of progress, dryly admitting that “there are very few people who want a power plant in their backyard.”

But do not worry, Memphis. If your water and electricity bills are rising and your property value is tanking, it is all for a grand, patriotic cause. When environmentalists and the NAACP sued over Clean Air Act violations, the Department of Justice swiftly intervened, arguing the lawsuit threatens America because Musk's tech is “crucial for national security” and was even “used in American military operations in Iran.”

God bless us, every one.

Song of the Day: Gracie Abrams, ‘Good Reason’

“Good Reason” is the central ballad on Gracie Abrams' third studio album, Daughter From Hell, drawing a polarized mix of critical acclaim for her vocal growth and sharp criticism for its derivative sonic structure. Critics widely view the track as a thematic callback to her debut album Good Riddance, focusing on a breakup driven by emotional complacency. So, it’s just like this newsletter. Kidding. LET’S NEVER BREAK UP.

Boomers Will Downsize…Never

Remember the quaint economic theory that aging retirees are supposed to sell their massive family homes to make room for younger generations? Well, rip up that script. Baby Boomers are busy doing the exact opposite: Buying even bigger homes with their mountain of cash and hoarding the housing market like it’s a competitive sport, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Instead of a cozy two-bedroom condo, empty-nesters Angela and Victor Martino decided a 5,000-square-foot mansion was much more appropriate for two people. Why? To accommodate a commercial meat slicer for Victor's prosciutto (I can only imagine…) and a grand playroom with concrete floors to survive their grandchildren. As Victor delightfully put it to the Wall Street Journal, “We’ll downsize when they plant me 6 feet into the ground.”

Boomers now represent 42 percent of U.S. home buyers, comfortably outbidding debt-laden millennials by paying in pure, beautiful cash. For this demographic, moving into a smaller place is apparently a sign of weakness. Instead, they are building massive accessory dwelling units and buying Cape Cod estates just to bait their adult children into visiting them. Good luck with that.

Retired accountant Ed Smith bought a 4,000-square-foot house on Cape Cod, boasting, “We live in a place they want to come to. That’s a big draw.” 

I bet they hate him. Meanwhile financial advisers are panicking as retirement planning flips on its head, but Boomers remain unfazed. As Angela Martino declared, “Victor and I are both high on life.” And clearly, they are also very high on square footage…

Pay $100,000/mo for Presidential Social Posts?

Why settle for standard insider trading when you can pay a cool $100,000 a month to read the President of the United States’ social media posts a few milliseconds faster? Yes, Trump Media & Technology Group $DJT ( ▼ 1.86% ) is pitching a premium "Truth API" data service so algorithmic trading firms and quant hedge funds can front-run the rest of the market on major geopolitical updates — according to the Financial Times.

In the high-stakes world of high-frequency finance, receiving a post about tariff pauses or middle-of-the-night updates on the war with Iran slightly faster is the difference between a record-breaking quarter and ruin. As one hedge fund executive bluntly observed, “People will pay because they have to. If you’re behind on that news, you’ll get crushed.”

It is a masterful monetization strategy for a family company that already helped Donald Trump pull in over $2 billion in 2025. After all, why let the S&P 500 rally 9.5 percent on a presidential "great time to buy" post for free when you can charge Wall Street six figures for the privilege of seeing it first? And with 12.9 million followers on Truth Social, those market-shaking declarations are a goldmine.

Trump fired his autocue operator last week for making $100,000 in alleged Kalshi $KALSZZX ( ▼ 0.01% ) bets based on the contents of his speeches, incidentally. He thought it looked corrupt.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While the general public won't notice the difference, those crucial milliseconds are a lifetime for automated trading systems. The chief executive of a U.S. market infrastructure company explained the logic: “Milliseconds is a big deal in this world, high-frequency trading firms and systematic quant hedge funds would definitely want this product.”

In other news, that’s a nice trading system you’ve got there. Would be a shame if anything…happened to it.

Free Yourself From Advertising Forever!

Should You Check Your 401(k) Today?

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Still no, I’m afraid. In fact, it’s more of a ‘no’ today than ever, recently.

Poll of the Day: What a Trip…

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