Chris Helopoulos won last week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ with this beauty about how to sell a house with mortgage rates at 7%...

Congrats, Chris! He writes: “Thanks to Matt and all 5-7-5 fans.  This one just jumped out to me. Keep up the good work!” Here’s your celebratory gif:

And here’s how Chris fared against the competition:

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ List your property, Clean it up and paint the door. Wait for miracles ~Andrew Yavornitzky (25)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Seven is too high? Pro football’s brain damage rate — twenty-five percent! ~Margaret Lea (8)
🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ When I was your age, mortgages were 12 percent. Seven? That's heaven! ~Jeff Sawyer (66)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Step one: have a house. Be grateful you've cleared that bar. Hope for a cash sale. ~Tim Olsen (32)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Seven percent rates. Upbeat buyers faint at door. Open house, no pulse. ~Amy Long (16)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Remember that price, Overcomes all obstacles. Painful, but it works. ~Susan Weinstein (9)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Sellers market, no. Buyers market, again no. Bankers market, yes. ~Chris Helopoulous (112)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Call your real-a-tor. They already know the way. Rates do not matter. ~Rick Wetherill (7)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Difficult to sell. Burn the dwelling to the ground. Collect insurance. ~Chrissy Page-Sutter (23)
⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Divorce papers signed, Our home wilts on the market. Is it lonely too? ~RiKi (12)
310 Votes via @beehiiv polls

This week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ is about how a Silicon Valley start-up that released its first product just last week is drawing investment offers at a multibillion-dollar valuation, with promises that its AI tools are more efficient than OpenAI and Anthropic’s. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers. (Don’t worry if you get a bounceback email. The mailbox is working, it’s just been inundated with haikus lately, thank goodness!)

Now? News!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

Table of Contents

• Cheap New AI Model Upstages OpenAI, Anthropic

• How Goldman Made $200m on an AI Crash

• KFC Is Adding a Little More Hospitality

• We Toured A Swanky New Private Jet

• Chipotle’s International Expansion Heats Up

• Poll of the Day: Flex! Flex! Flex!

What’s the Stock Market Up To, Eh?

$SPX ( ▲ 0.51% )  $DJI ( ▲ 0.93% )  $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies Mentioned in Today’s Newsletter

$OPEAZZX ( ▼ 0.06% )  $ANTHZZX ( ▲ 0.34% )  $GS ( ▲ 1.32% )  $JPM ( ▲ 1.33% )  $YUM ( ▲ 0.94% )  $CMG ( ▼ 2.12% )  

Cheap New AI Model Upstages OpenAI, Anthropic

While tech giants burn billions racing toward digital godhood, Silicon Valley startup TypeSafe AI has crashed the party with an upstart model named Jev. Unlike its chatty peers, Jev doesn't write poetry, draft apology emails, or contemplate existence. It just makes fast, dirt-cheap software decisions.

In an industry addicted to multi-dollars-per-million-tokens LLMs, Jev charges a modest 4.2 cents per million tokens — making it roughly 100 times cheaper and faster. Developers went so wild that Jev shattered launch records on hosting platform Vercel, while one developer even built a viral tribute site called AskJev in homage to Ask Jeeves.

It’s about to raise a billion dollars at a $10 billion valuation. A fraction of what rivals like OpenAI $OPEAZZX ( ▼ 0.06% ) and Anthropic $ANTHZZX ( ▲ 0.34% ) are aiming for in their trillion-dollar IPOs. But still.

As TypeSafe founder Diogo Almeida (who has a penchant for pink jackets and even pink hair, sometimes, above) put it, “ChatGPT is way smarter than me. Yet, for some reason, work in areas where there is an incredible financial incentive to automate is not being automated right now. Because currently AI sucks at it.”

Instead of generating paragraphs, Jev handles mundane back-end chores like routing support tickets or approving credit risk. It turns out businesses sometimes just need a quick classifier. DCVC partner James Hardiman, who invested, told the Financial Times, “Literally a week ago everyone was talking about the AI apocalypse…. In some ways, Jev introduced some sobriety into that conversation.”

Perhaps the real Super Intelligence is cheap, unglamorous efficiency?

Quote of the Day

How Goldman Made $200m on an AI Crash

If you ever feel bad about your personal investment strategy, take comfort in Leopold Aschenbrenner’s spectacular fall from grace. Dubbed the “Nostradamus of AI” after publishing a 165-page essay on the future of AI, the former OpenAI researcher launched his hedge fund, Situational Awareness, in 2024. Equipped with zero prior trading experience, he turned a few hundred million dollars into a staggering $20 billion powerhouse.

Then it very nearly collapsed on his wedding day, and the SEC launched an investigation. To supercharge his trades, the 24-year-old borrowed aggressively from Wall Street heavyweights. Goldman Sachs $GS ( ▲ 1.32% ) was thrilled to assist, rapidly turning the 2-year-old startup into its biggest prime brokerage client — ranking alongside legendary giants like Citadel and Millennium.

When tech stocks suddenly tanked, those debt-amplified bets triggered tens of billions of dollars in losses. Forced into a fire sale, Aschenbrenner unceremoniously dumped $16 billion in positions to Ken Griffin’s Citadel. While JPMorgan Chase $JPM ( ▲ 1.33% ) prudently cut off its lending to the fund following the blowup, Goldman Sachs pocketed the jackpot: More than $200 million in broker fees this year alone.

Facing the fallout, Aschenbrenner quietly informed investors in July that he would “no longer borrow money to magnify…bets.” Swallowing the bitter pill, he promised to “learn the necessary lessons” and vowed to “fight another day.” 

Plus: He’s got fabulous bone structure. With cheekbones like that, if you ask me? He’ll always land on his feet….

KFC Is Adding a Little More Hospitality

KFC $YUM ( ▲ 0.94% ) knows you love Colonel Sanders, but mostly in your fond childhood memories. When dinner time hits today, you’re probably more like to grab a fast-casual bowl or a wrap somewhere else.

Luckily, KFC U.S. President Catherine Tan-Gillespie is well aware that nostalgia alone doesn't pay the bills. Addressing the brand's latent affection, Tan-Gillespie noted that “people are thinking of us super fondly in their memories, but not so much thinking of us in their consideration when they’re thinking about what to eat in moments of today.”

Enter "Open House," a flagship restaurant in McKinney, Texas, designed to launch what Tan-Gillespie calls a full-scale “comeback as brand KFC.” The concept combines art deco flair, mid-century modern architecture, and drive-thru digitization with table service and patio dining. The team's guiding design question was simple: “If the Colonel was alive today, how would he want to design a restaurant for today?” 

Apparently, Harland Sanders would have wanted breezeway seating and digital kiosks. Beyond the architecture, KFC is giving the menu a modern overhaul. While the iconic 11-herbs-and-spices buckets remain, Open House leans heavily into tenders, wings, sandwiches, and dipping sauces. The goal is to deliver a “fast casual experience, but without the fast casual price tag,” she said.

KFC describes the Texas location as “a restaurant that is built to learn” before scaling insights across its 3,500 U.S. locations. And best of luck to them.

Song of the Day: Taylor Swift, ‘Patient Zero’

Taylor Swift insists this is a totally made-up song but it’s obviously a diss track about her experiences dating one of the Jonas brothers. At least, that’s what the fans are saying. And you know, half the fans have got to be at least half right, half of the time….

We Toured A Swanky New Private Jet

One of the great things about the K-shaped economy is getting to poke around at the top bit of the K, up at 40,000 feet. And of course, you can count on us Chedd-heads to look out for you up there!

For decades, private jet flexing was straightforward: You bought a faster plane, flew higher than everyone else, and arrived before your caviar melted. But Brazilian aerospace titan Embraer believes that today's ultra-wealthy flyers want something entirely different — a glorified, hyper-connected office in the sky. Enter the Praetor 600E, a $25 million super mid-size jet built less for supersonic speed and more for high-altitude corporate multitasking.

The centerpiece of this jet is the “Smart Window” — a giant 42-inch 4K touchscreen embedded into the cabin wall. It streams live feeds from external cameras, plays movies, and lets executives host video conferences with ground boardrooms or even other jets cruising through the clouds. As Embraer’s Michael Amalfitano put it, “In the past it was like I want to go farther, I want to go higher, I wanna go further, I wanna go faster, but now it's about it has to be smarter, it has to be more intuitive, it has to [be] bespoke to the customers of this younger, wealthier generation.”

If you think a giant iPad in a fuselage sounds like a luxury gimmick, corporate buyers disagree. Fractional jet operator dropped a jaw-dropping $7 billion deal for 180 aircraft plus options for 30 more. Beyond the flashy screens, the Praetor 600E boasts a range of over 4,000 nautical miles — making it the only aircraft in its class capable of flying London to New York, non-stop.

To top it off, Embraer is targeting net-zero emissions by 2030 with sustainable aviation fuel and solar-powered facilities, while its 14,000 employees leverage AI agents. Summing up the vision, Amalfitano declared, “We have products that are designed on performance, can't just be performance, it has to be unmatched performance... [and] superior comfort.” Because if you have to sit through quarterly review meetings at Mach 0.8, you might as well do it on a 42-inch touchscreen in gold-trimmed leather.

Free Yourself From Advertising Forever!

Chipotle’s International Expansion Heats Up

Chipotle $CMG ( ▼ 2.12% ) is officially taking its "recipe for growth" on a world tour, and international fast-casual lovers are going wild for extra barbacoa. During the recent launch of Chipotle's flagship restaurant in Seoul, South Korea, die-hard fans showed up 13 hours before opening, forming massive lines around the block just to wrap their hands around a fresh burrito. Explaining the grand strategy behind the overseas frenzy, Chipotle’s Chief Business Development Officer Nate Lawton noted, “We’ve declared we want to create a global iconic brand with Chipotle.”

Usually, when American fast-food giants expand overseas, they adapt their menus to suit local tastes, offering regional sauces or fusion dishes. But Chipotle is taking a far more uncompromising stance: Absolute carbon-copy consistency. As Lawton said, “Our strategy is very clear. We want to make sure that when we introduce Chipotle into a new market, it looks, feels, smells, tastes exactly like the Chipotle experience guests have here in the U.S.”

To execute this global push across South Korea, Mexico, and the Middle East, Chipotle is teaming up with regional franchise operators like SPC and Alshaya to uphold its strict "food with integrity" supply chain standards. Meanwhile, back home, the chain is aiming for at least 7,000 U.S. locations. Yet, no matter where Chipotle sets up shop, Lawton keeps hearing the exact same request from eager international crowds: “people are asking when we’re gonna be closer to them.”

I’ll take a burrito bowl, thanks. Or, in Korean, “부리토 볼 주세요, 감사합니다.” Obviously.

Should You Check Your 401(k) Today?

👎️ 

No. I’m not saying it’s terrible out there today, I’m just saying, why bother?

Poll of the Day: Flex! Flex! Flex!

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