In partnership with

Happy Monday !

Madeliene Painter won last week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ with this beauty on the theme “why you should give all your health data to a robot.”

And here’s how the Cheddheads voted on the competition:

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 1. What a way to go: T-800 telling me, I’m terminated ~Remy Zane (48)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 2. Beep boop scan complete, Many errors found in you, Now terminating ~Madeliene Painter (156)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ 3. Robo doc is here, Featuring blue screen of death, Now with new meaning ~Stephen R. Balzac (113)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 4. Here’s your new doctor. R2-D2 or HAL-like? It’s anyone’s guess. ~Margaret Lea (41)
🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 5. Saw my robot doc: "Beep boop you're gonna die soon. Now pay five thousand" ~Lodro Rinzler (69)
427 Votes via @beehiiv polls

This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how JP Morgan is monitoring its junior bankers’ working hours with tech. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

And now for some news you really N2K!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

• JPMorgan electronically monitors junior bankers’ w …

• Saudi Arabia sees $180 oil if conflict persists pa …

• Tesla’s Semi trucks are ready to roll

• Denmark was ready to blow up Greenland runways if …

• Middle class suburbanites are selling their blood …

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

$SPX ( ▼ 1.51% ) $DJI ( ▼ 0.96% ) $NDX ( ▼ 2.01% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

$JPM ( ▼ 0.49% )  $GS ( ▲ 0.5% )  $TSLA ( ▼ 3.25% )  

JPMorgan electronically monitors junior bankers’ working hours

JPMorgan Chase $JPM ( ▼ 0.49% ) is using technology to verify whether junior investment bankers' self-reported working hours match their “actual digital activity,” as Wall Street faces increased scrutiny over grueling workloads.

The bank is piloting a program that compares computer-generated estimates of employees' work weeks — based on video calls, keystrokes, and scheduled meetings — against their submitted timesheets. JPMorgan plans to expand the initiative across its investment bank.

"Much like the weekly screen time summaries on a smartphone, this tool is about awareness — not enforcement," JPMorgan said in a statement to the Financial Times, which reported on the news. "It's designed to support transparency, wellbeing, and encourage open conversations about workload."

The move comes after JPMorgan capped junior bankers' hours at 80 per week, though some employees underreport their time to avoid being removed from deals. Broader industry reform followed the death of a young Bank of America banker two years ago and a 2013 London intern death linked to overwork.

Goldman Sachs $GS ( ▲ 0.5% ) also monitors staff electronically. While surveillance tools have grown since the pandemic, they remain controversial, with some workers citing privacy concerns. I say, if you work for an investment bank, you sign a devil’s bargain and better be ready to work yourself to death, but I think, perhaps, that’s part of the problem. #NotCareerAdvice 

Saudi Arabia sees $180 oil if conflict persists past April

As the Iran war continues to disrupt global energy supplies, Saudi Arabia finds itself in an unexpected position: Hoping oil prices don't climb too high.

Saudi oil officials are projecting that crude could soar past $180 a barrel if disruptions persist through late April. While this might seem like a windfall for the world's largest oil exporter, the kingdom is deeply concerned about the consequences.

"Saudi Arabia generally does not like too-rapid increases in oil, because that then creates long-term market instability," explained Umer Karim, an analyst at the King Faisal Center for Research and Islamic Studies, talking to the Wall Street Journal. "For Saudis, the ideal equation is a relatively modest increase in prices while their market share remains stable."

The fear? Sky-high prices could permanently change consumer behavior (to, say, renewable energy sources), trigger a global recession, or paint Saudi Arabia as, gasp, a war profiteer.

Energy traders are increasingly betting on extreme scenarios. "I don't think $150 is out of the question in another month," said Rebecca Babin, senior energy trader for CIBC Private Wealth. "You start talking about June; I'll give you $180."

With American gasoline already at $3.88 per gallon and diesel at $5.10, consumers and businesses are feeling the pinch. The question now isn't just how high prices will go but how much economic damage they'll cause along the way.

Quote of the Day

Tesla’s Semi trucks are ready to roll

After years of delays, Tesla's Semi truck is finally hitting the road, and it's winning fans among the toughest critics: professional truckers.

Dakota Shearer discovered the Semi's advantages firsthand when he got stuck on a tight bend in Nevada. Thanks to the centered driving position and surrounding screens, he backed out effortlessly. "That right there showed me that the technology the Tesla has makes a big difference," Shearer told the Wall Street Journal.

Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 3.25% ) plans to begin mass production this summer from its Nevada Gigafactory, with projections of 5,000 to 15,000 deliveries in 2026.

For veteran driver Angel Rodriguez, 56, the switch from a 13-gear diesel to the automatic Semi was transformative. "It's just easier on your body," he said. "It's less stressful because you're not really having to engage the clutch and the stick shift."

Just wait until they make it fully autonomous, Angel. Then it’ll really be easier on your body.

The Semi's 500-mile range is opening new possibilities for fleet operators like Jennie Abarca of King Fio Trucking, who has 20 Semis on order. "The Teslas change everything," Abarca said. "It opens up a whole different type of delivery that I can make."

Denmark was ready to blow up Greenland runways if U.S. invaded

Denmark dispatched explosives and blood supplies to Greenland in January as contingency planning against a potential US attack amid escalating tensions over President Trump's push to control the Arctic island, the Financial Times reports.

Danish troops carried enough explosives to destroy runways near Nuuk and at Kangerlussuaq, a former fighter base, according to Denmark's public broadcaster DR. France and Germany backed Copenhagen's approach to raise the cost of any forceful takeover.

"We were very worried this was going to go really wrong," said one European official about Trump's repeated January threats.

Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen characterized the crisis in stark terms: "We have been in the worst foreign policy situation since the Second World War. The only reason we are today in a better situation...is because we have European co-operation."

NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte eventually defused tensions by convincing Trump to accept the outline of a "future deal" at Davos. However, Frederiksen cautioned: "I hope for an agreement, but as I have said, Trump's desire to take over Greenland remains intact."

European officials remain vigilant. As one former Danish minister warned: "Greenland has not gone away. It's only sleeping."

Song of the Day: Maya Hawke, ‘Devil You Know’

Maya Hawke's single "Devil You Know" is the lead track for her fourth studio album, “Maitreya Corso,” scheduled for release on May 1. The song marks a shift from her earlier "bedroom-folk" style into a more sonically sophisticated and layered alt-pop sound.

Free yourself from advertising forever!

Middle class suburbanites are selling their blood plasma to make ends meet

In suburban Houston strip malls, sandwiched between fitness studios and investment firms, a new "second job" is trending: Selling blood plasma. Once associated with extreme financial desperation, the plasma industry (along with extreme financial desperation, presumably), is migrating to middle-class neighborhoods to serve a different clientele: the "working squeezed,” reports the New York Times.

Take Joseph Briseño, a 59-year-old crane supervisor earning $50,000 a year. To keep up with rising costs, he spends his days off in a recliner with a needle in his arm. "In this economy, it’s expensive," Briseño says, "and donating helps." He uses the extra $600 a month for gas, groceries, and his mortgage.

He isn't an outlier. From tech workers to teachers, many are turning to what Georgetown professor Peter Jaworski calls a "shadow safety net." As finance professor Emily Gallagher points out: "If people need to do this to supplement their incomes, then there are a lot of jobs out there just not paying high enough wages for people to live on."

Ya think?

Even retirees like Arnold Williams, 66, use the payments to bridge gaps between Social Security checks. "It’s in those in-between times where this is beneficial," he explained.

Should you check your 401(k) today?

👎️ 

Under no circumstances, no.

Poll of the day: Sell your plasma?

Need2Know is covered by Cheddar’s Terms of Service

P.S. So, you remember the cheese puns that used to open this newsletter? Suffice to say, they were divisive. Now, thanks to a thing called “dynamic content options,” I can offer you the option to see cheese puns again, if you’re one of the thousands who got in touch bemoaning their departure six months ago. All you need to do is answer “true” on this survey, and submit it. If you never want to see cheese puns in this newsletter again, don’t click that link, don’t fill out the survey, don’t submit it. Just keep reading and pretend this conversation never happened. Mmmkay? Thank you.