Margaret Lea won last week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ with this beauty about how OpenAI made $20 billion less than everyone thought:

Congrats, Margaret! “Yay!” she writes. “As you can tell from my haiku, I’m not a fan of AI!” And here’s how Margaret stacked up against the competition...

🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ No checks on AI | Blunder of twenty billion | Is anyone shocked? ~Susan Weinstein (36)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Artificial smarts? Lost (or hiding) 20 bil. I Artificial dumb? ~Rick Wetherill (14)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ It’s not possible | that AI can't count, maybe | AI embezzled ~Steve (37)
🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ Hardly a surprise | That AI riches have not | Materialized.~Carol M (23)🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ Boo hoo, twenty bil | ChatGPT can’t count either | maybe ask Claude next. ~Kristin Lanham (23)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Big numbers dance in dreams | Two plus two equals seventy | Worth billions? Fake math. ~Elizabeth Herbst (17)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Open AI short | Ten billion here, ten more there. I Real money? Not now. ~Scott Bauer (15)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ Twenty bill means nil | Next to valuation, or | Civilization. ~Tim Olsen (35)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ Twenty billion plus | or minus. Still adds up to | World domination. ~Stephen Balzac (38)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Creative numbers I “borrowing” stuff from others I It’s the AI way! ~Margaret Lea (49)

This week’s world-famous-news-haiku-competition™ is about how Tesla has made a flying car. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET Thursday, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

Table of Contents

• Tesla Debuts What It Calls ‘Flying Car’

• The Russian Officer Who Was a Mole For Ukraine

• Citi Is Latest Bank To Bar AI Agents

• Ailing Netflix Replaces Chief Content Officer

• Three Links to Cure Your Monday Blues

• Poll of the Day: The X Factor?

What’s the Stock Market Up To, Eh?

$SPX ( ▼ 1.09% )  $DJI ( ▼ 0.34% )  $NDX ( ▲ 1.59% )  

Companies Mentioned in Today’s Newsletter

$TSLA ( ▼ 2.13% )  $SPCX ( ▼ 1.74% )  $C ( ▲ 0.85% )  $BAC ( ▼ 0.91% )  $JPM ( ▲ 1.25% )  $NFLX ( ▼ 2.87% )  $DIS ( ▼ 0.08% )  $FOX ( ▲ 0.14% )  $WBD ( ▲ 0.03% )  $SKYD ( ▼ 4.82% )  

Tesla Debuts What It Calls ‘Flying Car’

Forget parallel parking — Elon Musk has elevated traffic jams to a whole new altitude. After nine years of delays and millions in customer deposits, Tesla finally unveiled its second-generation Roadster at a SpaceX $SPCX ( ▼ 1.74% ) testing facility in McGregor, Texas. Complete with fog, red laser lights, and swarming content creators, the event featured an angular sports car launching up a backward-curving ramp before twisting through the air and leaping over five other Teslas.

That’s right. They’ve invented a flying car. Critics pointed out that it was, in fact, a hollow shell controlled by remotes and that it’s unlikely to ever see commercial production. But still, go and watch the videos. It’s up there with Steve Jobs for commercial stunt value.

Because combining rocket technology with sports cars raises obvious safety questions, Musk reassured the crowd that no humans were aboard: "it is technically autonomous to make sure we don’t kill anyone." Musk claimed the vehicle would eventually be the "only manually driven car that Tesla makes," while promising that production begins in 2028 — adding, "Actually, for real."

Of course, we’ve heard that one before. Tesla’s share price rose 1.5% the following morning. Polymarket odds on a merger between Tesla and SpaceX by next March also surged to 50%.

Tesla Engineering VP Lars Moravy boldly crowned the vehicle "the world’s first flying car" and "the last best driver’s car," highlighting its compressed-air thrusters and underbody fan suction system. Powered by those thrusters, Tesla boasts a 0-to-60 mph time of roughly one second and top speeds exceeding (checks notes) 230 mph.

However, practical details remained, let’s say…elusive. When onlookers shouted asking for a price tag, their cries went unanswered. Asked how such a car could ever be street legal, Musk demurred, "Yeah, depends on your street, but it’ll be a viable car."

For enthusiasts who originally put down $250,000 for one of these puppies nine years ago, Tesla’s website now lists an invitation-only "Rocket" package promising "actual flight," complete with the fine-print disclaimer "Not approved for road use." Reserving one requires $5,000 up front plus $45,000 within 10 days.

Musk has contributed $366 million in tight races for the upcoming midterm elections.

Quote of the Day

The Russian Officer Who Was a Mole For Ukraine

In what might be the most high-stakes career pivot since espionage went digital, Lt. Lev Stupnikov decided that the ultimate solution to a toxic workplace was defecting to the opposing army. The Russian lieutenant spent months inside Putin's own army secretly feeding intelligence to Ukraine — intelligence the WSJ says helped kill more than 300 of his own comrades.

Appalled by Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Stupnikov recalled to the Wall Street Journal, "They were dropping bombs on innocent civilians.… It was evil." Navigating the shadow war without formal spycraft, he candidly admitted, "It was constant, endless tension.… Real spies get training in espionage. I had received no such training at all.”

Frontline military management certainly didn't help Moscow's cause. Disillusioned by widespread looting and incompetence, Stupnikov secretly sent battle coordinates to Ukrainian intelligence. After a devastating missile strike hit his unit, his exasperated commander threw up his hands, exclaiming, "Nothing we’re doing is working out. I have a feeling there’s a Stierlitz in our ranks."

During his midnight escape across minefields, Stupnikov reached Ukrainian guards and uttered his absurd password: "Peanut shop." Meanwhile, his mother Tatiana quibbled with border guards while fleeing Russia, joking, "You know what teenagers are like…. They don't care about their parents.” Back home, his estranged wife Liza viewed it differently, lamenting, "He betrayed me too."

Reflecting on his journey, Stupnikov delivered an incisive final word: "Did I betray my oath? I pledged to defend freedom, independence, and the constitutional order.… But Putin destroyed all three.”

Still, If I were him, I’d be careful of any Polonium-laced cups of tea coming my way for the next 50 years.

Citi Is Latest Bank To Bar AI Agents

Imagine an artificial intelligence assistant so competent it looks out for your personal financial interest. Now imagine Wall Street having a meltdown over it. Citigroup $C ( ▲ 0.85% ) and Bank of America $BAC ( ▼ 0.91% ) have both now slammed the door on third-party AI agents logging into their client accounts to manage cash, reports the Financial Times.

Why the sudden lockdown? Lenders fear personal AI assistants could automatically sweep idle household cash out of checking accounts paying a national average of 0.1% into higher-yielding options paying 3.3% to 5%. With mega-banks like JPMorgan, Bank of America, and Wells Fargo sitting on $1.6 trillion in non-interest-bearing deposits, paying even a 3% rate on those funds would cost them $47 billion annually.

Under the banner of consumer protection and legal liability, Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan insisted, “We strongly believe there should be a human in the loop to authorize money moving out of your account.” Warning tech developers about accountability, Moynihan added that lenders do not want customers complaining that “money moved over from my account and I don’t know why and I don’t know where it went and the agent did it.”

Citi similarly confirmed it does not permit “third-party AI agents or assistants to log into a customer’s account or transact directly within our digital banking platforms” to safeguard accounts. Meanwhile, JPMorgan $JPM ( ▲ 1.25% ) CEO Jamie Dimon bluntly defended restrictions “because you don’t want rogue agents and there could be thousands of them.”

Apollo Chief Economist Torsten Slok captured Wall Street's core anxiety, warning that “if every household used AI agents to optimize the return on their cash balances, banks could lose a large share of the cheap deposits they rely on to make loans.” Until lenders find clever ways to make products “stickier,” your checking balance remains safely locked away from AI — and earning almost zero interest. Of course, you could always go in there now and move it yourself. 🤷

Song of the Day: Olivia Rodrigo and Chappell Roan, ‘Expectations’

Here’s a vibrant, high-camp update to the standout track from Rodrigo’s third studio album, You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love.

Ailing Netflix Replaces Chief Content Officer

When your stock drops 40% in a year and viewer engagement hits a wall, Netflix $NFLX ( ▼ 2.87% ) does what Netflix does best — it axes the main character. In a dramatic executive reboot, the streaming giant ousted chief content officer Bela Bajaria and tapped former Disney $DIS ( ▼ 0.08% ) and Fox $FOX ( ▲ 0.14% ) veteran Peter Rice to take over the remote control.

Bajaria’s exit came hot on the heels of Netflix cutting 6% of its workforce — roughly 1,000 jobs — its largest layoff spree in at least four years. The underlying plot problem? The streamer has struggled to produce the viral mega-hits that once propelled its explosive growth, like Stranger Things and Wednesday. Even its ambitious bid to buy Warner Bros. Discovery $WBD ( ▲ 0.03% ) fell flat after Paramount (now Skydance) $SKYD ( ▼ 4.82% ) swept in with a winning offer.

Addressing the platform's sluggish momentum, co-CEO Ted Sarandos candidly admitted, “Overall, we’re not growing as fast as I want us to, and we’re working on making that move faster.”

Diplomatically ushering Bajaria out after nearly a decade, Sarandos said, “She led enormous changes at Netflix,” adding, “I’m incredibly grateful for everything she’s done to help Netflix entertain the world.” To turn the tide, Sarandos praised Rice as “one of the most effective at-scale operators in the entertainment industry.” Rice — whose past track record at Disney included critical darlings like The Bear and Abbott Elementary — will now oversee everything from prestige films to video podcasts and live sports.

Speaking of Netflix, have you watched The Beast In Me, yet? I’m on episode four and it’s good.

Free Yourself From Advertising Forever!

Three Links to Cure Your Monday Blues

Monday morning. The alarm sounds like a personal insult and your bed has never been more comfortable, which is frankly rude of it. You can't cancel Monday — believe me, I've looked into it — but you can make it hurt less. This week's cures:

Sleep like you mean it. Helix Sleep quizzes you on how you actually sleep — side, back, starfish — and builds the mattress around that, instead of the usual one-size-fits-nobody slab. I remain furious that nobody told me mattresses could be bespoke.

Learn something before your brain fully wakes up. Coursera has courses from actual universities — Stanford, Yale, the fancy ones — and you can start one with your morning coffee instead of doomscrolling. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like casually mentioning your Yale education, does it?

Drink some green stuff. Look, I'm as suspicious of “wellness powder” as the next cynic, but AG1 is the one the entire internet won't shut up about, and there's a reason: It's the lowest-effort healthy decision available to a person who currently considers "pants" optional. Scoop, water, done — 75 vitamins and whatever-else before you've even decided what day it is.

That's the prescription. Monday doesn't stand a chance!

Should You Check Your 401(k) Today?

👎️ 

For the love of God, no.

Poll of the Day: The X Factor?

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