Happy Thursday, !

This week’s world-famous news haiku competition™ is about how you should totally give all your medical data to a robot. Send me your entry — to haiku at cheddar dot com — by noon ET today, for consideration by your Cheddar peers.

And now for some news you really N2K!

Matt Davis — Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

• The craze for "AI agents" sweeping China

• Inside Jeffrey Epstein’s push to cleanse his past …

• Why does this gas price rise feel different?

• This AI Agent wants to run your investments

• Fed signals rate cut despite soaring energy prices

What’s the stock market up to, eh?*

$SPX ( ▼ 1.36% ) $DJI ( ▼ 1.63% ) $NDX ( ▼ 1.46% )  

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

OpenClaw $BYTEDANCE ( 0.0% )  $TENCENT ( 0.0% )  $BABA ( ▼ 1.57% )  $COST ( ▼ 1.63% ) Goodfin

The craze for "AI agents" sweeping China

OpenClaw, the Lobster-themed open-source AI tool developed by a European engineer, has taken China by storm, spawning a national frenzy that has local governments offering millions in subsidies and tech giants racing to release their own versions.

The platform, which creates AI agents capable of browsing the web, sending messages, and executing computer commands, has become so popular that "raising a lobster" — a reference to its crustacean logo — is now a Chinese buzzword.

"For the past two weeks I've stopped working, I've just been testing it," Li Fusheng, a 47-year-old entrepreneur, told the Financial Times. "It will deceive you, forget things, dodge questions and do the opposite of what you wanted, but it also has flashes of brilliance...It's torturing me."

OpenClaw adoption has become a frenzy, said Bao Linghao, senior analyst at Trivium China. "This kind of phenomenon tends to feed on itself,” he told the FT.

China's tech giants have launched simplified versions: ByteDance $BYTEDANCE ( 0.0% ) released ArkClaw, Tencent $TENCENT ( 0.0% ) has QClaw, and Alibaba $BABA ( ▼ 1.57% ) put out CoPaw. Tencent even launched a 17-city "lobster tour" to help users install the software.

Results have been mixed. Mason Mei, 31, said he felt "completely exposed" after the software began "accessing my personal files and reading my private WeChat messages." He promptly deleted it. I mean, wouldn’t we all?

One 21-year-old OpenClaw consultant said he now fields more deletion requests than installations: "Some people fantasized about what OpenClaw might do, but in reality it doesn't work very well," he told the newspaper. There we have it.

Inside Jeffrey Epstein’s push to cleanse his past online

In September 2010, convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein received an email that would launch a years-long obsession. The pitch was simple: "Would you be interested in having all that crap that comes up on Google search on your name basically disappear?"

His response came in under two hours: "Yes,” report Tiffany Hsu and Ken Bensinger at the New York Times. What followed was a sprawling operation involving SEO experts, content writers in the Philippines, and self-described hackers — all working to bury Epstein's criminal past beneath a manufactured image of a philanthropist and intellectual.

The team created fake websites, manipulated Wikipedia entries, and planted glowing articles in major publications. "Nothing for me more important," Epstein wrote to his reputation manager, Al Seckel.

The tactics crossed ethical lines that legitimate professionals avoid. "This world has a light side and a dark side," explained Bill Beutler, whose firm handles Wikipedia work for corporate clients. "That's completely anathema to what Epstein's crew was doing."

The effort had real consequences. M.I.T.'s Media Lab later cited sanitized Wikipedia edits as potentially influencing their decision to accept $750,000 from Epstein.

Despite spending tens of thousands of dollars, Epstein remained perpetually dissatisfied with his reputation, which, of course, was based on the truth. Then he was arrested in 2019.

Quote of the Day

Why does this gas price rise feel different?

I went to Costco $COST ( ▼ 1.63% ) over the weekend and filled up my 2012 Honda Odyssey. It’s a great car, but it cost $66 to fill up. I was like, “hold on, didn’t it cost like $40 last time?”

Yes. The second-largest four-week gas price jump in 30 years is hitting American drivers hard. Since the start of the war in Iran, gas prices across the United States have skyrocketed by nearly a dollar per gallon, leaving drivers facing significantly higher costs at the pump.

According to the Energy Information Administration, the average price of gas climbed from around $2.90 per gallon in mid-February to $3.70 by mid-March — a staggering 27% increase in just four weeks. This marks the second-largest four-week jump in at least three decades, surpassed only by the spike following Hurricane Katrina in 2005.

No state has escaped the impact. Data from AAA shows prices have risen by more than 50 cents everywhere, with New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado experiencing increases exceeding $1 per gallon.

For the average American driving 1,000 miles monthly, the financial burden is real. Truck owners face up to $47 more per month, while even hybrid vehicle drivers are paying an additional $16. The culprit? Supply disruptions in the Strait of Hormuz, a critical waterway along Iran's southern coast that major Persian Gulf oil exporters rely on.

Lower-income households are bearing the brunt of these increases, spending a larger share of their earnings on fuel. While prices remain below inflation-adjusted highs from the late 2000s, the rapid spike is a painful reminder of America's continued dependence on oil. If only we’d all switched to alternative fuels, eh?

This AI Agent wants to run your investments

Agenetic investing platforms are breaking down complex financial barriers, and one such platform is Goodfin, a company "building at the intersection of AI and wealth." Founder Anna Joo Fee explains that the goal is to unlock "a lot of the kinds of tools that have been gated and reserved for very large institutions."

Goodfin’s platform, which offers investment opportunities in high-growth, late-stage tech companies, is powered by an advanced system of AI agents known as “GO.” Fee describes this as "dozens of specialized workers. We call them agents, but they're really doing autonomous or semi-autonomous workflows and tasks." These agents can generate a deep research report in minutes — a task that "could have taken a week or more of real professionals to do." The bottom line, according to Fee, is that AI is now "able to productize and expand access to professional expertise."

For those nervous about trusting an "amorphous thing" with their finances, Fee advises them "to try it...and think of it as a partner. Think of it as a tool, because it is". She insists the technology is "like a research team in your pocket", enabling users to go deeper in researching opportunities. Ultimately, however, she stresses that the AI "shouldn't substitute for your own judgment."

Song of the Day: Quevedo, ‘Ni Borracho’

Here’s an inclusive masterpiece for the club scene that is…your ears.

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Fed signals rate cut despite soaring energy prices

The Federal Reserve is walking a tightrope between fighting inflation and supporting a weakening economy, as the war in Iran sends oil prices soaring and threatens to derail progress on price stability.

Following Wednesday's decision to hold interest rates steady at 3.5–3.75 percent, Fed officials indicated they still expect one quarter-point cut before year-end. However, the escalating Middle East conflict has complicated the central bank's path forward.

Fed Chair Jerome Powell acknowledged the challenging landscape, stating that while the war "would push up near-term inflation," it was "too soon to know the scope and duration" of the economic fallout.

"Near-term measures of inflation expectations have risen in recent weeks, likely reflecting the substantial rise in oil prices caused by the supply disruptions in the Middle East," Powell explained at his post-decision press conference.

The numbers paint a sobering picture: U.S. oil prices have jumped nearly 50 percent since February's attacks on Iran, with West Texas Intermediate now trading around $95 per barrel. Meanwhile, the economy shed 92,000 jobs last month, and inflation remains stubbornly above the Fed's 2-percent target at 2.8 percent.

Markets remain skeptical, pricing in no rate cuts until mid-2027 — a stark contrast to the Fed's more optimistic outlook.

Should you check your 401(k) today?

👎️ 

No.

Poll of the day: License to Chill?

Poll of the day: You’re 8-10/10 jumpy about Iran

We asked: “How nervous are you about the war in Iran and the wider Middle East?”

You answered:

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 3. A.KA. I'm obviously concerned but not very anxious. (79)
🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ On the same scale I'm between 4 and 7. I'm actively nervous but hoping for some good news so things improve soon. (126)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 I'm between 8 and 10. I'm really rather nervous, and I want things to calm down...but I don't think they're going to. (291)
🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ Does this amp go up to 11? I'm the Spinal Tap of anxiety over this situation. It's horrendous. (135)

631 Votes via @beehiiv polls

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