Hello, N2K’ers!

I cheated on one girlfriend in my life, and we were still in college, so it hardly counts. I felt terrible about it for years. But I 100% got away with it! Ha ha ha! That’s because we didn’t go to a Coldplay concert and get caught on a Jumbotron? If we had, the punishment would have been double—not only the public scrutiny but also having to endure Coldplay’s music at inescapable volume. I will surely pay for my sins in due course, unlike the former CEO of Astronomer, who gets to enjoy his comeuppance right now, and in public. There are also some other stories you Need2Know 2day, but let’s be honest, you’re interested in this one. Unless you run Microsoft $MSFT ( ▲ 1.19% ) Sharepoint at work. In which case, oof, sorry.

—Matt Davis, Need2Know Chedditor

News You Need2Know

• Kiss your job goodbye!

• Stock market hits new records yet again

• Microsoft sounds alarm over Sharepoint attach

• LVMH-backed Catterton takes stake in Flexjet

• Subway hires Burger King exec as its new CEO

What’s the stock market up to, eh?

$SPX ( ▲ 0.19% ) $DJI ( ▼ 0.6% ) $NDX ( ▲ 0.35% )

Companies mentioned in today’s newsletter

Astronomer, $SPX ( ▲ 0.19% ) , $NASDAQ ( 0.0% ) , $GOOGL ( ▲ 1.13% ) , $TSLA ( ▼ 8.25% ) , $AMZN ( ▲ 1.72% ) , $AAPL ( ▲ 0.27% ) , $VZ ( ▲ 0.77% ) , $MSFT ( ▲ 1.19% ) , Flexjet, Catterton, $LVMH ( 0.0% ) , Subway, $BKW ( 0.0% )  

*we’ve started including private companies here, too! We just can’t quote their stock prices because they’re privately held.

Kiss your job goodbye!

CEO Andy Byron is out at AI firm Astronomer after Coldplay’s “KissCam” caught him cozying up with Kristin Cabot, his company’s head of HR. His arms were wrapped around her, but when they saw themselves on the big screen, her jaw dropped, hands flew to her face, and she spun away, while he literally ducked out of view. Coldplay frontman Chris Martin promptly quipped, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re very shy.”

Next time, guys, style it out. Just pretend everything is copacetic. Trust me.

Internet sleuths rapidly identified the pair, and a wave of memes ensued:

The controversy sparked over $7 million in prediction market bets on Byron’s ouster on platforms like Kalshi and Polymarket, making it one of the most traded cultural events on prediction markets in recent years.

Astronomer, a small New York–based AI firm, was suddenly thrust into an unwelcome spotlight, despite securing $93 million in Series D funding just months prior. Byron, who joined in July 2023, was placed on administrative leave and faced a "formal investigation" before resigning over the weekend. Employees at the firm’s Manhattan office were ordered to stay mum, with one worker telling the New York Post, “Nope, we’re not allowed to talk about it,” before presumably going off the record with juicy details.

All I’m going to say there is, WELL DONE, CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS TEAM. It’s not easy to have that effect on junior employees, and all I can say is, you earned your $3,000 an hour.

Stepping into the interim CEO role is Pete “C3PO” DeJoy, the company’s co-founder and former chief product officer. He wisely spun the chaos, gushing that Astronomer is now a "household name." In a LinkedIn post entitled “Moving Forward at Astronomer,” (he wishes) DeJoy acknowledged, “The spotlight has been unusual and surreal for our team and, while I would never have wished for it to happen like this, Astronomer is now a household name.”

I just wish I understood what Astronomer actually does. It helps big companies manage their complex data workflows, apparently. But I’m still struggling to understand what that really means. I even read a case study about their work with the Texas Rangers and I remain baffled. Perhaps they should hire a real person to write their website instead of having a robot do it? Although even robots can slack off and have affairs, you know…

Song of the day: Lord Huron, ‘Who Laughs Last’

"Who Laughs Last," a collaboration between L.A.-based genre-busting band Lord Huron and actor Kristen Stewart, is a departure from the band's typical sound, featuring a spoken-word monologue by Stewart over a driving, almost post-punk inspired instrumental track. It’s not for everyone, but then, neither is anything. Here’s a review on Reddit:

The video is quite good too. It’s derivative of David Lynch’s ‘Lost Highway.’

Stock market hits new records yet again

Wall Street had a stellar Monday as the S&P 500 $SPX ( ▲ 0.19% ) Nasdaq $NASDAQ ( 0.0% ) reached record highs, buoyed by Alphabet’s $GOOGL ( ▲ 1.13% ) impressive rally ahead of its quarterly earnings report. The Google parent company surged 2.7%, igniting optimism and contributing significantly to the broader market’s gains. Investors are gearing up for a busy week of earnings from Big Tech, including Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 8.25% ) and Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.27% ) , which could set the tone for the remainder of the season.

While Alphabet’s rise stole the spotlight, other major players also contributed to the market’s performance. Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 1.72% ) rose 1.43%, helping lift both indices. Meanwhile, Verizon $VZ ( ▲ 0.77% ) soared over 4% after revising its annual profit forecast, showing that optimism wasn’t limited to the tech sector.

Despite the looming cloud of tariff concerns, market sentiment remained upbeat. The S&P 500 has gained about 7% year-to-date, with the Nasdaq outpacing it at nearly 9%.

Today on the ‘gram: I want butter on mine

Post of the day: Did we run out of butter?

Quote of the Day

Microsoft sounds alarm over Sharepoint attack

Microsoft $MSFT ( ▲ 1.19% ) is scrambling to patch a critical vulnerability in its widely-used SharePoint server software after hackers launched attacks against businesses and U.S. government agencies.

The exploit, known as "ToolShell," enables attackers to access SharePoint file systems and connected services like Teams and OneDrive, posing a serious risk to organizations with on-premise SharePoint servers.

“Anybody who’s got a hosted SharePoint server has got a problem,” warned Adam Meyers, senior vice president of cybersecurity firm CrowdStrike $CRWD ( ▲ 0.03% ) . Although dude’s company was responsible for 7,000 canceled flights last year so what does he know about IT security?

Hackers have reportedly been exploiting this vulnerability since July 18, according to Eye Security, which found dozens of compromised systems across the 8,000 SharePoint servers it scanned globally.

Microsoft has issued emergency guidance for customers using SharePoint Server 2019 and SharePoint Server Subscription Edition to address the vulnerability but is still working on fixes for older versions, such as SharePoint Server 2016.

Michael Sikorski, CTO of Unit 42 at Palo Alto Networks, stressed the urgency: “On-premises SharePoint deployments — particularly within government, schools, healthcare, and large enterprises — are at immediate risk,” he told the Associated Press.

But you weren’t using your government, school, healthcare, or large enterprise for anything important anyway, were you?

Should you check your 401(k) today?

👍️ 

IT HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER.

LVMH-backed Catterton takes stake in Flexjet

Private-jet company Flexjet has secured an $800 million equity investment valuing the company at $4 billion, led by L Catterton, the private equity firm backed by French billionaire Bernard Arnault (the CEO of LVMH $LVMH ( 0.0% ) ).

The move comes as global demand for private jet travel continues to rise, but you know what else is nuts? Childrens’ entertainers on private jets.

Flexjet has been riding the surge in private aviation demand that emerged during the pandemic, as wealthy individuals preferred fractional operators like Flexjet and NetJets over owning their planes. With a fleet of 300 aircraft, Flexjet is also expanding its European footprint, with plans to open a private terminal near London next year, just in time for my next visit home.

Subway hires Burger King exec as its new CEO

Subway has announced the appointment of Burger King exec Jonathan Fitzpatrick as its new CEO. He’s the first CEO hired following Subway’s acquisition by private equity firm Roark Capital in 2024. Subway, founded in 1965, operates nearly 37,000 locations across 100 countries but has struggled to maintain dominance amid fierce competition from fast-growing brands like Jersey Mike’s and Firehouse Subs. To counter declining sales, Subway introduced chef-developed sandwiches in 2022, aiming to reinvent its build-your-own model. Fitzpatrick’s appointment reflects Roark’s confidence in leadership with deep industry expertise.

Do not get the hot peppers. That is my hard-earned advice about going to Subway.

Poll of the Day: A question of sandwiches

Poll Results: You think this is overpriced

We asked: “Would you pay $8,500 for this doodle by the president?”

You answered:

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Yes, and I hope he donated the fees to a charity of his choice. (52)

 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 No, it's too much. I think $5 would be better. (560)

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ No, it's too low. I think $500,000 would be better. (17)

629 Votes via @beehiiv polls